Tips for challenging family conversations about gender - Home for the Holidays 2025

Holidays can be emotional for everyone, and this is especially true when you have a trans family member who’s recently come out. These tips can help you and your family navigate this stressful time. 

Identify Allies – think about the members of your family who are, or might be, even a little bit on side. This could include people who have shown support, or who you suspect will be motivated to support based on their already strong relationship with your youth. Reach out to them first to help create the quality of space that you want to have for upcoming holiday gatherings.

Plan Ahead – plan out some of the interactions that are likely to come up at family gatherings. For example:

if someone uses the wrong name/pronoun, I will…

if someone brings up offensive views of queer/trans people, I will…

if my youth tells me they feel uncomfortable, I will… etc.

Discuss with your youth, and offer some ideas and possibilities of how things could play out, so they don’t have to come up with that themselves, and so they have a sense of what they can ask for and expect frmo you. From here it will be easier for them to accept, reject, add onto, and/or modify how these moments are responded to. (NOTE: there is a variety of possible answers to these prompts!) 

Come to the Table Prepared – Maybe your youth has told you that they “don’t care” and don’t want to make a “big deal” about their name/gender/pronouns. Maybe they’re feeling resigned around the possibility of family connection. This may be true, or it might be that your youth does not have all the language to identify or describe what they need, and/or are sometimes too afraid to ask. In these cases, we can help by coming to the table with options. E.g: I was thinking that I could meet with grandma before the dinner and talk with her about what we mean by "respectful behaviour" around gender identity in our house. I know she’s still getting used to your new name/pronouns, which is why i can also continue those discussions with her after the holidays are over”.

Use FiT Tools - Get curious about your youth’s emotions regarding the holidays, and be proactive around bringing it up. (e.g. I wonder if you’re feeling excited, but also a bit nervous, to have the cousins over for dinner? I wonder if it’s feeling like a lot of pressure on you when you just want to enjoy some family time? Notice what happens by just letting those feelings have a little bit of space and acknowledgment.

Extend Compassion - Your youth may want to dress in a way that makes them very visible, or in a way that really tones down their gender, and both are valid. Your youth may want to take up space with their politics and be vocal around trans and other social issues, or they may want to stay quiet during family visits, and both are valid. The important thing is that you are working together to create safety, not just for the holidays, but ongoingly. 

Looking for other tips? Check out affirmations and thinking through common statements.