Common Statements about Trans Youth and Possible Responses - Home for the Holidays 2025

Friends and extended family can have trouble adjusting to your trans youth’s identity. This can show up in challenging and often transphobic conversations over the holidays. Here we’ve collected some common statements that families hear, with ways you can respond with care and support. 

Can we just be normal for the holidays, and not talk about all this gender stuff? 

I know that this is new for you. We’re all learning. But what’s most important for us right now is that our kid knows that whoever they are, they are safe, and a part of this family. There’s actually not a lot to talk about: our kid uses these pronouns and this name now. Everything else we can keep talking about after the holidays, including any questions you might have around how to best support them. 

I’m not going to use that name for them. 

I know this might feel like a big change. Something that we’re learning is that using this name does not mean our kid is necessarily a boy / a girl / nonbinary. It shows that we are communicating to our kid that we are listening, and that we’re curious about their experience of the world. More than anything, we need our home to be a safe place for our kid to continue to explore who they are and figure all this out, and we believe that trying on this name to see if it fits, is an important part of that. You don’t have to agree, but you do have to make an effort to use this name when referring to them, especially in our home. 

Please don’t bring this up with grandpa. He is too old to understand, and this will upset him/ruin our holiday time. 

Our plan is to bring this up with grandpa, because we love grandpa and want him to continue to have a close relationship with our child! Not telling grandpa means that a wedge will continue to grow between the two of them, and neither of them deserve that. Our kid should be able to be their full self, and grandpa deserves some credit. If the change is hard for him, I will continue to support him around this. My goal is for the family to move together, not fragmented, and he is a part of this family.  

How am I supposed to explain this to my kids? 

There are many age-appropriate ways to talk about gender identity, and usually kids get it way easier than adults! I would start by not assuming that your kid doesn’t already know things about gender. You can ask some curious questions like “have you ever heard of people who don’t feel like they’re a boy OR a girl? Is there anyone in your school who uses they/them pronouns? Have you learned about people who used to be a boy but are now a girl? Children can surprise you. 

It can be helpful to think about the ways that gender identity can often boil down to body autonomy, life calling, and/or role within community. 

BODY AUTONOMY: you can open the conversation with your kid by asking, who gets to decide who you are? Who knows best about you? This can be a great opener for talking about gender identity. 

CALLING: Everyone explores who they want to be in the world, and some people explore a little and some people explore a lot. People who are trans are doing a lot of exploring about gender, and the kind of boy, girl, nonbinary person, or something totally new that they want to be. Any kind of exploration is good. There’s a whole galaxy of gender to explore! But exploration can be scary when we feel alone, which is why we’re so lucky to get to support x as they are figuring out who they are. 

ROLE: It takes all kinds of people to make up a community, and everyone has a place. Sometimes your role might include some “boy" things and some “girl” things, or neither, or both, but whoever you are, you have a place in community. You have really important perspectives and gifts to share. 

Why are you doing this to your kid? Isn’t this a terrible life? 

Our kid, right now, is asking some deep questions about who they are in the world. Deeper than most people typically ask themselves. Maybe you think that being trans is a “fad”, or abnormal, or an unholy or even dangerous path. I have felt this too at some points! I’m not sure about everything that this journey will entail, but what I do know is that I don’t want my kid to feel like they’re figuring this out alone. If I want to support them and do my best to ensure that they are happy and healthy and feel loved, I need home to be a safe place for them. 

This is not a part of our culture. 

Our cultural identity is so important to me, and to our kid. The words “trans” and “nonbinary” may not come from our people, but we have always done gender in a bunch of different ways. Already we don’t see a lot of men like us, or women like us, on tv, in the media, or in our schools and work, and I don’t want my kid to feel further torn and fragmented around who they are. I want them to feel deeply connected to their gender as an expression of our culture, and I want you to be a part of ensuring that our youth feels belonging in all parts of who they are. 

Want more tools for the holidays? Check out these tips and affirmations.