Welcome Caregivers and Parents
If your child is exploring their gender or coming out as trans, FIT is here to help
If you’re raising a trans or gender exploring young person, you might be wondering how to help your child make the right decisions. You might have worries about medical transition, mental health, discrimination, regret, and more - because you love your child and want to support them in the best possible way.
When a young person starts a “gender journey,” it’s easy for the adults who love them to feel overwhelmed. Fortunately, the most important thing is to remember the basics: What trans and gender questioning kids need most of all is unconditional love and support, just like any other kid.
Research and our work with hundreds of families shows us that the most important factor in creating good mental health outcomes and happiness for trans and gender questioning kids is healthy relationships with their parents or primary caregivers. This is true wherever your child’s gender journey goes.
Exploring gender is a healthy and normal part of human development. Most young people simply need a safe, supportive space to figure out gender identity for themselves, with occasional help from a caring adult. You don’t have to have all the answers - you just need to be a safe landing spot for exploration and support.
We live in a society where gender exploration in youth is stigmatized and sensationalized. But your child’s gender journey doesn’t need to be an experience filled with fear. It can be a time of self-reflection and deepened relationships - a time for you and your child to grow closer, and grow together.
Key things to remember
You have the wisdom you need
You do not need to be an “expert” on gender, psychology, or medicine to raise a trans or gender exploring young person. You don’t need to know all of the “right” terms. The values and wisdom you’ve held throughout your time as a parent still apply, regardless of your child’s gender identity.
Your Kid Is Still Your Kid
Your young person is not a different person now. Your treasured memories, hopes, and dreams for your child are all still real and important - and as with any young person, they may have hopes and dreams for themself that you can explore together.
Gender diversity is normal
Throughout history, in cultures all around the world, there have been people who changed their gender over the course of their lives. There are also many cultures with “third” or even “fourth” and “fifth” genders in addition to man and woman.
Gender Exploration Is Healthy
Experimenting with different ways of expressing gender is a healthy and expected part of human development over a lifetime - if you think about your own life, maybe you can think of some ways that your own gender expression has changed over time. We want to encourage young people to explore gender without emphasizing any particular outcome so they can find out for themselves who they are.
It’s Not All About Medical Transition
There is a lot of misinformation in society about medical transition, which is when trans people seek medical treatments to change their appearance. Many trans people don’t want or need medical transition and some do. Getting consumed by worries about medical transition can hinder building a healthy relationship with your young person.
The Relationship Is the Most Important Thing
All trans and gender exploring young people need relationships with safe, loving caregivers with whom they feel supported and understood - this is often the most important factor in their mental health.
You Can Tend to the Distance Between you and your Youth
If you are struggling to connect with your child, don’t give up! It’s never too late to repair a relationship, and repair usually starts with you getting curious about what your young person needs to feel understood. Many tools and strategies can bridge gaps and fortify your relationship throughout the journey of gender exploration.
It is Normal to Feel Scared!
Most parents and caregivers worry about their youth’s gender exploration. They may be concerned about how their youth will be treated and if they will be able to find work, find community, find friends, or have a family. They may be worried about medical interventions now or in the future, and any negative or permanent effects. Managing fears and staying focused on strengthening the relationship between you and your youth can support navigation through these worries.
It’s Okay If Your Kid Changes Their Mind
Some people explore their gender, try transitioning, and then change their minds. This is okay! You can encourage your kid to keep exploring until they find the gender identity that is right for them. An open, non-judgemental environment helps young people not to rush and supports them to let you know how they want their journey to continue.
Your Kid Can Still Pursue Their Dreams
Trans and gender diverse people regularly live rich and fulfilling lives. Trans and gender diverse people pursue education and meaningful careers, find love, and start families all the time.
Love Is Your Superpower
In our experience, loving supportive parents and caregivers have always been the most powerful force in trans and gender exploring young people’s lives. We’ve seen parents guide their children through difficult times, advocate for social change, and become incredible champions for gender diverse people everywhere. Your love for your kid is your power - never forget that.
How do I talk to my child about their gender identity?
Talking to your trans or gender questioning child is an important opportunity to deepen your connection and create closeness with one another. Some young people find it easier to talk about gender than others - and the same is true of parents. We invite you to lean into the wisdom and knowledge that you already possess around communication with your youth, as you grow your skills at having sensitive conversations particularly on this subject.
Gender exploration and transition are highly sensationalized topics in mainstream culture. This often makes parents feel inadequate and unprepared to raise a gender questioning or trans child. It can be easy to panic and feel lost. However, the support that your child needs as they go on this journey is the same kind of support that any young person needs from a loving adult when navigating a complicated life choice: They need a good listener, a curious confidante, and a wise guide.
Here are some tips you may find helpful:
Invite the conversation
Let your child know that you are open and interested in learning more about their gender journey. Invite them to let you know when they are ready to talk about it. If they don’t take you up on your invitation, or if they say they don’t want to talk about it, remind them occasionally without “forcing” the issue. Try to strike a balance between respecting their boundaries and making sure they know that you want to share this experience with them.
Stay centered
If you approach the topic of gender from an open-minded and non-judgemental place, your child is likely to pick up on that and feel more open to sharing. Most youth worry about disappointing their parents (even if they don’t show it), and they may shut down or try to take care of you if they feel that you are anxious or angry. When discussing gender with your child, remember that the primary goal is to explore more about their feelings and needs rather than to express your own.
Stay curious
It can be tempting to jump into trying to figure out if your child is “really” trans or not, problem solving, or looking for explanations (for example, wondering if your child is gender questioning because of negative past experiences, birth atypicalities, and so on). Alternatively, it may feel easier to avoid the topic of gender altogether. We encourage you to stay curious and enter your child’s world through their eyes. This is a chance to learn a lot about them! Being curious about your youth’s gender does not confirm your youth’s gender. What it does is communicate that you are interested, that you respect them, that you want to stay connected, that you want to learn more
Stay connected
Prioritize having conversations that build understanding and trust between you and your young person rather than winning debates, “teaching,” or convincing them of your perspective. You can set the stage for trust-building conversations by spending one-on-one time with your child doing things they enjoy.
Get messy, make mistakes
When approaching sensitive topics like gender, it’s easy to feel like you are “walking on eggshells” - especially when approaching those topics with teenagers! If you make a mistake and accidentally say something that hurts your kid’s feelings, or if a conversation goes in an awkward direction, be kind to yourself. Parenting is an inevitably messy experience, and it’s great role modeling for your kid to see you learning, taking responsibility for your mistakes, and apologizing when appropriate. Messy and authentic, overall, is way more connective than “perfect” and inauthentic
Get your own information
Your conversations about gender identity with your child are much more likely to be deep and positive if you come to the table with your own knowledge about gender diverse and trans people. This way, your young person is not in the position of having to “teach” you. The best way to learn about this topic is by reading books and articles, watching films and television shows, listening to radio and podcasts, and consuming other media created by trans and gender diverse people. There are many excellent trans and gender diverse scholars, researchers, scientists, authors, filmmakers, and actors in the world.
Celebrate the journey
We encourage you to approach your child’s gender journey as you would any serious life journey that they go through. As they grow, your young person will go through many kinds of life journeys - starting at a new school, entering the workforce, and exploring romantic relationships to name a few. Going on a gender journey is similar, if perhaps less expected. There are always risks, but also many great possibilities. The best possibility of all is that through their gender journey, your young person becomes more certain of who they are, and that they feel loved and supported in the process.
"[I learned] so many tools and ideas I have been able to apply. The most valuable being it is NEVER too late to repair a wrong."
— D.H., FIT Alumnus
